Paradise is your Home.

So karma came to bit me in the ass; it always does. I was offered freedom in exchange for my sacrifice of being with family. Being the cold-hearted bitch that I am, I chose to stay home alone and hopefully have some winter-break-partying without worrying about parents and the brother ratting me out.

Well I got just what I wanted, but ain't no cure in the whole damn world that would heal my pain. No remedy in the world that exists that would heal my regret. They said I would regret my decision. I was selfish and ignored that. I only thought of the present and neglected the future.
I am going to Hell for this.

Resting in Paradise.
GMa.
12/25/09.

Crime & Punishment.

God is punishing me for neglecting you, grandma. And I am sorry. It's times like these when reality really hits, and you don't give a flying fuck about anything in the whole world aside from your blood-related kin. I don't know what to do; I call this my second huge life crisis. Time and God are going against me, and beating me to to clock.

You don't really know what you got until it's (almost) gone.

What is life? Ahh, the most universal philosophical question we ask ourselves. What's the answer then? Why do we question ourselves? To seek answers to those questions, I suppose. But how can you answer those questions when no answer is definite.
How do we feel? The emotions our mind controls, how do you control them? How do you allow them to turn on/off? When does our mind allow us to feel the emotions we should feel at a specific given time?

Relating to that prelude, I need help getting those answers.
They call me a cold-hearted, heartless animal. And I totally understand where they got that generalization from. My merely hopeless come-back: I just think realistically.
But my realistic points of view failed me today. GMa been diagnosed with liver cancer. I honestly did not know how to respond to that. For one, I've always welcomed death with open arms (Holy Sonnet 10, John Donne). Honestly, if everyone ends up dying sooner or later, then why are we so scared? You wind up being with your loved ones, reunited in the spiritual worlds that supposedly exist. God wanted His angel back.
Anywho, I am confused. How should I go about feeling? Feeling those nonexistant feelings, that is. What is it should I feel? Misery, anguish, depression, hopeful? I only feel jumbled: Overdosed of feelings. I feel confused, sad, upset, empty, full; I still feel emotionless, not alive but still breathing.

I can only imagine what my dad would feel.. he has yet to find out. Lack of displaying emotion kind of runs in the family.
Though I must admit I'm not exactly religious, I ask you to pray for our already crumbling family. Please?

Iris.

My funeral songs:
Goo Goo Dolls- Iris
Ginny Owens-If You Want Me To

Nothing interesting is happening in my life these days. No fun whatsoever. I'm dry of crazy, thrilling experiences; I'm just wasting my foolish teenage years.
Ho hum, I am bored.

Lacking Inspiration.

Wrap me in a straightjacket,

Poison me,

Dispose of me.

I am absolutely going crazy. I feel so lost and so unimportant in this society; I can imagine myself drowning in the vast ocean during midnight, and noone to even notice it. I am miserable.

Judgment.

 It's as if the world existed to judge, and I was the one being judged.

You what if feels like to be looked down upon, seen as the invalid? Others sneering at you, your interests, your being? Family friends think of you as the one that's bound to get nowhere in life? No, no. Not you, you got it good. You don't have it like me; you don't know what it's like to be stepped upon and thrown off to the side. You probably got some notable talent, or a simple skill that sets you apart from the others. 

So, what do I have?

I got nothing special, nothing worth noticing. The only things people notice are my bad traits and stupid things I do. I think I'm the epitome of fail in the eyes of these motherfuckers. People refer to me whenever they want to feel better about themselves, but I, obviously, just make the standards a lot lower. I don't have any talent to display, any ability to show off, or intelligence to blow your mind away. 

True, I'm just your average no-good-influence girl who gets kicked to the gutter. But did you really have to put me down, and get yourself involved in my life, which you know no part of? Get the fuck out and try not to disturb me again.

The whole world is out to get me. Come and get me bitches, and tear me down. As if I haven't had enough of your torture.

Surprise Me.

Jay-Z & Alica Keyes- Empire State of Mind.

Just an update quickie..
School has been sorta stressful, I honestly don't know how I'm going to pull through. I lack motivation, so please. If you can, inspire me.
Family isn't a super big issue, although I must say, the term family is sort of controversial in this house. What defines a family? Oh. We wouldn't know.
Friends. Still here! You people know who you beeee.

10/23/09: School was great today. We had an extended lunch schedule (score!): shorter classes, and Clubapalooza. I love KIWIN'S. We did great at the sale! Then after school, TOTALLY unexpected. But Quyen had an "emergency," shushed me away with her to stall time, and Alyssa rallying up and preparing. As we came back, I saw a line of Asian guys lined up with a sign.. Being the person with horrible vision, I didn't recognize them, so I walked to the side. As I approached closer, thinking that they were asking someone else, I saw Josh, and realized. Hahha, yay. (= Homecoming 09, how exciting! Quyen and I have included that the theme for this year is: Unpredictable. Because seriously, who would have thought that the people who are going this year, are going with their dates?! And those who haven't been asked are left?! Man, this year's homecoming is full of surprises. And my first year with a date. And going with Quyen. Totally ridick, with a dick.

LoveSick.

Common Market- Nina Sing

Being sick is horrible.

So I still go on myspace.. /eyeheartlucy get at me! I keep on seeing these bulletins girls post up of "oh I want a guy like this..." blah blah blah bullshit. I'm going to make a list of characteristics I want my future guy to do, that's more related to me.

I want a guy who would make me feel safe, meaning he has to be tall and big. (= None of them scrawny motherfuckers who are my height. I want a guy who doesn't have to dress fresh, but gotta have some sort of steeez. I want a guy who respects hip-hop. This guy I'm talking about don't gotta be rich, hell no. As long as he can support himself with the resources around him, sall good. A guy who has common sense. We'll take crazy roadtrips during the weekends. My man can't make me feel bad about myself. He gotta be respectful and have common courtesy. Shit, too bad that ain't you!

VIP/RIP

So lately I've been "hating" a lot. Not just one person, but people, things, places. But don't forget, this Lucy monster still loves too!

VIP:
LC.QT.AT.DZ.CP.SJ.AH.CL.HY.HB.KV.KL.SA.MA.GZ.CQ.AP.HH. ++

RIP:
SK.M.PP.S.SAT.BP.OSS.MMS.++




Bitch.
Don't fuck with me.

Shine that Light on Me.

Well, Summer ended not too long ago. Honestly, to sum it up, all I really got out of Summer was hard-work, homework, entrance into pre-calc, new friendships, anger, hatred, betrayal, laziness, and loneliness. The rents came back from China not too long ago; I yearn for the freedom in China: the partying, clubbing, bar-hopping, piercings, tattoos, hookahs, smoking, drinking, being "20." I did miss my mom a lot, my dad, not so much, being that he's away a lot anyway. Them being home, limits me from just being a bum around the house. I'm not going to let them interfere with my focusing now that they're back.

Oh yes, school. The treaded topic of a teenager's life. The "mid-life crisis" for us teenagers would have to be the reputation we hold, the grades we achieve and maintain, the crowd we're in. However, I was lost on my path to success back in the first half of Sophomore year (not ready to go into detail about that), I need to redeem myself. They say I still have a chance for getting into a UC school, the main door I'm striving for. Thus, meaning I need to step it up. I'm not going to let myself crash and burn on this second opportunity I was given, that's just stupid. So.. for the amusement for you as my reader, and embarassment of me.. ladies and gentlemen. The grades I'm working for:
Honors Chem: A-. You've gotta be shitting me if I get a B in this class I already took.
AP Chinese: A++++++ NIGGA!
English3: A. Really now..
AP Art History: Uh.. B, if I try ahha. This class is way intense for me.
Pre-Calc: A-. If not, then B+.
Off Season: A/B if I ditch ahhaha.
Lacrosse: I was sure I'd be center this year, but now that we have new coaches, and new promising players, I'm not so sure if I'll stay center anymore. Fack competition.

SO.. I really could get a 3.8-4.4, if I really tried. My mission is to dominate Junior year. I know I'll start losing optimisism after a while, but hey. It's not a bad thing to start the school year off with a positive mentality, right?

Rough Around the Edges Makes it Sharp.

Saturday, oh where do I start?
Well, first off. Elite sucked. Even though I couldn't sleep at night, I still managed to wake up at 7:22AM beautifully. I later found out how crummy my teachers are, and just how terrible Saturdays at Elite are. They attempt to cram quizzes, homework, exercises, and test review all into one little class session. So fail.

After that little inferno of my day passed, I was pumped to go to Music Speaks with Quyen! Let me tell you, I had an amazing time. Even though I had an allergy attack while getting ready, and super drained and tired, I still was able to enjoy myself in the atmosphere of talent. AJ Rafael, Cathy Nguyen, Mike, the Adrian William Project- Andrew Garcia, Frank Hagen, Jane Lui, Jennifer Chung, Passion, JR Aquino, Melissa Polinar, just to name a few. I am in utter disbelief that I would ever find myself in the same twenty feet radius from them, which I was! Although I do regret not popping an advil or tylenol before leaving the house, I still was starstruck and enjoyed every moment of listening to their talent spilling on us. The fact that the entire event was put forth for Autism, is touching and moving. Just.. stunning.

To me, Dreams can't Exist.

Every so often, I get asked the typical, "what do you want to do with your life?" question.
Trouble is, I can't answer them without being scoffed at. Being me, everything I envision doing in the future involves mere tasks that involve no usage of the brain. It's a given, I like to do things that don't involve thinking too hard.

I want to be a pastry chef: I'm good with designing details, but how can I support myself in the future?
I want to be an interior designer: I'm great with colors and am good at just designing, but anyone can say the same.
I want to be a make-up artist: I like playing around with make-up for other people, but that job can't last long.
I want to be a cosmetologist: Since I have pretty bad skin, I want to help others. But how can I do that when I can't even fix my own?
I want to be a psychologist: I'm decent at helping people with their problems, and thinking realistically, but anyone can do that.
I want to be a veterinarian: I love dealing with animals, but I'm allergic to cats, and how could I stick a needle into a puppy?
I want to be a piercer/tattoo artist: I'm fond of them, but I can't be responsible of fucking someone's body parts up
I want to have my own clothing line: I'm okay at drawing/thinking of t-shirt ideas, but I suck flat out at Adobe Illustrator, and who would buy my shit?

Pretty much, my dreams are a bunch of shit. Of course, I do want a secure future, and a stable lifestyle where I don't have to constantly fret over financial issues. Everything I want to do, is just silly dreams. Dreams that haven't been thought thoroughly about. I need to think realistically, and put all these wishful-thinking dreams behind me, regardless of the whole "follow your dreams" bullshit.

I Got My Summer "Un Lock."

You needa be a G in order to get the title's pun.

Elite's Afternoon Boot Camp (ABC) is finally over. Eight weeks... went by so quickly! LOL @ all the drama that happened. I'm so over drama--- don't give me any! I'm fine with just watching. My score did increase, but it's still not satisfactory. Maybe the extension will help me? Indeed, Ivymax can always save my ass too. Ugh, how depressing. As for right now, I'm free during the weekdays and sunday now.

Plans of the rest of '09 summer:
- make memories with my friends
- clean my room (I actually had to do it today, but I was eating shaved ice with Alyssa)
- sleep
- work-out (seriously)
- tan
- shop
- dye my hair light-brown/blonde, or just brown.
- lip piercing (pending)
- tragus piercing
- start and finish summer reading
- get the hair fixed


I hate it when people diss my music taste. Hello?! My taste in music is the one thing that I hold pride for.

Love Don't Stop.

Currently Playing:
D-Pryde: Love Don't Stop

Here's the past coupla days in a summary.

Thursday: Last day of Alyssa being at Elite with me. It was kind of sad since I'm not super close with anyone at Elite except Josh, Sharon, Hye Hyun, etc... But still. Thursday Elite was whack, I felt like I was going to bomb all both the reading and vocab quizes. BUT, I didn't, heh. After class, Alyssa and I hitched a ride from Hye Hyun, and went to eat Pho. Actually, we shared vermicilli, both yum. After, we shared Yogurtland and Lollicup: double yum! I have such a sweet tooth. We just talked, chilled, caught up. I saw people I "dig." Holy fuck, I know exactly how I want my future guy to look like. I love my type, I love it. Gimme gimme! Thanks Alyssa, I had fun with you that night. <3>
Friday: Signed up for SAT Subject test Chinese w/ Listening. Feel motivated for junior year!

Saturday: I, being nocturnal, slept at five in the morning, whilst texting Richard and doing homework. So then I crashed inevitably, and woke up at 11 ish. Had class (so boring, and lonely). Then went home, signed up for SAT's (yikes!), and waited patiently like a good little girl for Quyen to get her ass over my crib. We chilled, went to the pool (the sunset/sky was so pretty, even though the sunset's been ruined for me), and made noodles. Cater to you? Oh pulease. LCQT=JBCT! Thanks Quyen, today was fun. <3

Pre-plans for Sunday: Elite homework, and...?

I finally realized what I want in a guy. The list of characteristics is too long, but I'll be sure to tell "the one" when I meet him. For now, it's just fun and games.

For some strange reason, I'm pumped for junior year. Even though it's going to be a bitch, and my desk will be my best friend for the entire year, I'm excited.

I need to meet more people. People with passion, intelligence, wit, charisma, personality. Enlighten me!

Reflection of Summer.

Currently Playing:
MIMS- Did you Wrong

Another lame-o day. Summer's been kinda lame overall, if you ask me. Let me break it down for ya.

In the beginning, it was like.. "oh shit, I got classes all summer, FML." Well, I did get an A in health and an A- in Alg2B. (= But really, I've met some coolkats this summer, which surprises me. These niggas know who I'm talking about! Meeting these people made me realize how vast of a social environment there is in Irvine that I haven't even explored. I didn't even know these people existed, hah. No hate involved!

Feelings were exposed to the bitterness of infatuation; feelings have been hurt this summer; people met new potentials; friendships evolved into a tangle of jealousy and betrayal; people thought they found their special somebodies; people were lied to. Not only do I know people that went through all this, I went through this shit too. Don't get me wrong, my summer did get kind of interesting at times, but me... I'm an independent bitch who doesn't like drama whatsoever. Why the hell did all that have to happen? Seriously... Elite. People, wake up. This place isn't for finding true love, or finding chicks or guys to hook up with. So why make it like one?

Give me SUMMER: beach, friends, kick-backs, parties, shopping, dinner, dates, happiness. Is that too much to ask for?

Rainy Days Blew Me Away...

.. so I drank the 4 everyday.

It surprises me how quickly this summer has gone by. And saddens me to realize how uneventful and plain-jane this summer has been. And quite frankly, I'm bored shitless.

Dad finally moved to Seattle; I feel bad for my mom.

Eric and I made a goal: to work our asses off this year so we can achieve happiness and success!

Morning!

I think I like waking up early. It's like a rush of energy when you automatically wake up early!
The only bad part of it, is you don't know if it's warm enough to wear shorts later on in the day. )=

Horoscope: New relationships do not replace old ones-- schedule some time with long lost pals.

Phone's back! That means.. I can Facebook, Twitter, IM, and text! My daily necessities.

Cousin's coming today, yay!
Mom's birthday.. awkward.

Renewal of Independence.

You know when opportunities come to you, you're supposed to go for it? Well, when you lag, and miss that opportunity, then it's over. Nobody's going to wait for you, so why should I?

Summer school's coming to an end. Health is over, math final tomorrow. )=
Friday: Math final, UCI with Quyen and Josh? Then Eric's coming over! Mother's birthday. Birthday dinner.

Saturday: Ivymax, get SAT score checked at Elite. Precious bonding time with the cousin!

Sunday: Homework, study.

I've noticed this summer was pretty lame. Fun times my ass. Give me some excitement, something to wish upon, someone to drool over!

Positive Thinking

After reading B's cutesy letter, I feel like I'm being challenged... The barrier that I've built around "me" is being broken through. The usual independent me is slowly crumbling apart. I'm the type of person who needs personal space, I could never imagine myself being dependent on someone else. I'd rather talk to you in person, so LET'S!

Summer's been weird this year. Being that it's my first summer ever that I actually didn't go back to China (except for that one year with Bird Flu). Summer school is almost over, got just a week left! I might end up with a B for health, which is rather depressing. I realized that I didn't turn in chapter questions that I did during classwork time, so now it counts as half-credit. Tear*. I also am ending off Algebra2B with a 87%, which is even more depressing. I need a flippen A so I can move onto Pre-Calc, which is the primary reason why I'm taking the goddamn summer school class. Progressing further into my daily schedule, comes Elite. The bad part: my scores aren't getting any better, and Mr. Kim even scolded me for not going to him and talking about my scores. He says I need to consult him with all the questions I've been getting wrong. FML?! Another con to Elite: the homework overload. I obviously choose Elite HW > Summer school HW, since I really do not want to get a demerit, having to waste a flippen hour of my life doing nothing. Aside from all the complaints I have about Elite, I do have something good to say. I am glad to say, that I've met some pretty nice people: they know who they are!

Family: "Meh." Although my cousin is coming soon, and I'm flippen excited! :D

Friends: Great. Quyen!<3 I really can't live without her, strangely. Hahhaa.

Love: Who, me?

Money: I'mma broke-ass bitch.

Health: Cough cough*.

Mind & Soul: Unstable.

Foolish Heart of Mine.

Currently playing:
Let it Go- Sery R.
Anniversary- Redd Stylez

Some say I do stupid things.
Enlighten me, what exactly do I do?
No, hold that thought.
Who are you to tell me I do stupid things?

In my opinion, some guys can be so ridiculous.
All they do is cause stress and make me feel bad about myself.
I do not need a guy to make me happy.

Moving on...
Week's almost over, I anticipate the future!
Friday with Quyen, Saturday English class, Sunday FREE!
Getting the lip pierced with Minh, perhaps? (=

Counting down the days until the favorite cousin comes!

Hello Life, how are you?

Oh, the "weak" is about to start all over again.

I don't know why there's so much hate and anger inside of me. I felt as if no one around me was aware of how I felt. It was rather annoying, to be honest. I just want everyone to wake the fuck up, and listen. Since no one cared to know earlier, no one ought to know what the fuck I'm feeling now, it's none of your bitchness!

On a brighter note, Sundays are always my fun-days. (=
My "Angel," Quyen Tien came over again. Of course, we ate, chilled, gossiped, discussed, and watched. You know, the usual. We're inseperable... we're like the pimp and the hoe! You can only imagine who's who. [;

Ignore Me.

For my mind to be occupied, is a complicated matter. Almost everyone will get hurt by me. So I advise all of you to suck it up, and move on. Most people know what I'm talking about, and so I guess I'm just venting all my distress on this blog. First off, there's a reason why I don't involve myself in relationships. I'm not one to be committed, and will never have stable emotions. Since my mood changes every couple of hours, there's no guarantee that what I think of you, will stay the same next time I think about you. Third, I feel kind of bad that you met me. Lastly, it's my fault that I'm weird.

Our Pursuit of Happiness.

I've been surprised.

I made a new friend. [=

At Elite, I noticed that we had a couple of new students. One student, in particular, always talked and got bullied by Ms. Jackie. Brandon, you little talkative one. So, we started talking in between classes during break, and I realized he was pretty chill. We talked after the week at Elite ended, and we got to know each other.

On Friday, Brandon came over to "study." How fail was that plan?! We decided to be spontaneous, and we drove to Laguna, but ended up going to Crystal Cove instead. As we walked on the beach, the sun started to set. So we found a nice place to just sit there and watch the sun set. We just sat on a rock and talked, as the sun slowly set. Being that I've never actually watched the sun actually set while at the beach, it was a moment to remember. After the sun went to sleep (and it got super cold), we started to walk back. He gave me a piggy-back, while I almost crushed him! Now you learned, Brandon, to never give me a piggy-back ride. So as we walked back, I was stressing pretty hard, due to the lame 'rents. After intense threatening from them, Brandon and I freaked out, determined to get back home without getting into any trouble whatsoever, since that was the last thing we wanted to happen.

We made it home, safe and sound, with no trouble at all. So insane! This was by far one of the best days I've experienced, and I owe it all to Brandon. Thanks a bunch. [=
















I haven't felt like this since I could remember: happy.

The Crux of my Summer.

I feel as if my summer is experiencing a pivotal point.

Today, summer school went by decently fast, SAT prep was alright. I feel as if I'm opening up to my classmates; we're forming a family. Sentimental-sounding, I know. But anyways, for some particular reasons, I may have a future love life?! Well, when I mean love life, I don't really mean it. Thou shalt not state names; however, I have recently started talking to one, and the other, I just met. Some things are changing; it's a strange feeling, but I like it.

First!

I just felt the need to create a blog.