What is me?

I find that Tumblr is a bit too publicized for my taste. I want to write about something personal, but it seems like Tumblr isn't the best option. So here I am once again.

What am I? Who is me? The question that I ask myself, whoever "myself" is. Sometimes, I catch myself not feeling anything. As if I'm not alive; I see myself doing things, but not thinking. Has my mind died? Why does my conscious stop working? I start thinking: how do I think? What makes me human? Sometimes I really believe that my mind and my being are seperate. They don't go hand in hand, and they tend to act on its own. Am I a ghost of my own body? And when I use "I" am I speaking from my mind, conscious or what? Yeah "I" speaks as the entity of a whole.. But clearly, my being and mind are not in sync with each other. So when I use "I," "I" think I'm using my mind, or am I just thinking from a soul? It's so hard to explain, but when I think about it, it makes sense. I have these moments a lot now, where I question my aliveness. It sounds pretty psycho for a seventeen year old to be saying all this nonsense, but I feel so worn. And weak. Almost as if I'm deteriorating. I'm so tired. Not because of lack of sleep. But because my mind feels weak. I feel so emotionless. My parents, boyfriend say I seem emotionless. My parents especially, believe I'm heartless. To my defense, I believe it is because I've trained myself to be thick-skinned and unmoved by any attacks to my character. Thus, thick-skinned means I have a barrier around me. "Me," would mean the soul/mind. But I've been called emotionless since I was in sixth grade (middle school).. I would beg to differ. I was bullied, harrassed and teased in sixth grade. I felt sad, lonely, defenseless, and even depressed. So how does that count as emotionless? I feel as though I have felt more emotion than I have ever felt in my teenage years, than in my youth years. I'm so used to hearing me being called emotionless, that it gets sickening. Okay, say I'm emotionless; I am what I am. I can't force open a niche on my exterior to let the inner me flow out. That barrier isn't even a barrier anymore, it's me. I've had this barrier around me for so long, that it has become a part of me. I don't believe that's a bad thing, it's just how it is. Now for the heartlessness. I get called that from the parents too. Now, a heart is supposed to give and receive love right? That's the "blood" that keeps the heart going and pumping. Maybe it's because I never have that display of affection from the rents, or maybe it's because of that barrier, but I don't know how the love feels. When have I heard a meaningful "I love you" from the parents? Probably in first grade. Oh yeah, I was six. How old am I now? Seventeen. I remember, every night in Basking Ridge, NJ, when I was still in fourth grade, I would head to bed, shut the lights off, and watch my mom close their bedroom door. But before she would shut it, I would always say, "good night, I love you!" And every time. EVERY single time, I wanted to hear the "I love you" choraled back. But I never did. She would either smile, or say "stop lagging, hurry and go sleep now" and the door would close shut. Maybe my mom had the same problem too, with saying anything affectionate. But it's fine, that doesn't bug me. What bugs me is that when she calls me heartless, or a cold-blooded animal, it makes me wonder what she thinks of herself. But honestly, being thick-skinned is sort of a pro for me. I don't get hurt. I just get cold. I say I don't hold grudges, but I can use everything negative to alter my viewpoint on someone. When I start disliking a person, I find every possible point to prove to myself why I should hate them. It's quite bad honestly. I would say it is decidedly so for my dad. I don't ever recall the good things he's done for me (which I might add, there hasn't been much, honestly), but the bad things just keep piling up in my mind. There are so many bad things, that it buries my love for him. And we all know it's illegal to dig up graves. What's been buried should never resurface.

I believe I am a shallow person. Not like, judging people by looks shallow, but more like emotionally speaking. I don't go in depth with anyone, and by "in depth" I mean fully loving someone. I am a shallow being. I can't just smash a hammer to my brick-walled barrier, and expect to let the emotion gushing out and giving handfuls of my feelings to people. I don't know what it is that prevents me from doing so. I've always thought it was fine to be a shallow person, and I still think so. But it's my "shallowness" that pushes people away. Straight up though, sometimes I don't know how to feel, and that's what scares me. Whenever I start thinking about that, I feel like I'm not alive. Like I'm not human at all. And the worst part is that whenever I see people "loving" each other, I think it's all fake. And I scoff at them.

I honestly do believe something is slightly off with my inner self, but I don't think I'm that off. Call me emotionless, heartless, animalistic all you want; I've heard it all. And it doesn't bother me. Just teach me how to feel, and let me be alive. I feel like what I'm doing is fake, and that I'm a fake person. Fake, as in not real. I don't feel real, and this reality is just time in the hourglass passing by.

The Pathway is Broken and the Signs are Unclear.

I've been hurting for a bit now. There's nothing I can do. I need to build myself around it and learn to face reality. I prepare myself for the worst, but hope for so much (a miracle would be nice). I wish I had appreciated life. I need to tell someone. But I can't. I can't spread the pain to other people. Some things really need to be kept on the downlow. Nobody will get it. Telling someone won't solve anything. I don't want people's pity. I want people to view me as a cheerful person. I want to go through this by myself.

Confused.

So today I got my AP scores back. I got a 5 in Art History (TYJH!), and a 5 in Chinese! Yipdeedo!
I was so excited that I had my victory dessert (a spoonful of Nutella ahha). But internally, I feel ruined. All I can say right now is that things are coming to an end. Everything has a conclusion in life.

Is it possible to feel relieved but also feel so panicked?

Update.

TUMBLR

Hi there, my eight followers.

I'm debating whether or not to use Tumblr or Blogspot..
I might use my Tumblr to post things of a happier mood, and my Blogspot for a more personal vibe.

Feeling Alone.

Regardless of what you think, I'll still fight for what's important to me.
I don't need your approval; you don't matter to me.

Unsatisfied.

Looking back, I see happiness and naivety. Now, I see corruption and teenagers ruining their lives.
I miss the good ol' days, I really do. I wish I had taken the opportunities to make more memories. Now I feel like I need to grasp onto my last drop of childhood innocence before it's gone.

I'm so thankful for the people around me; I've been carefully choosing who I want around me: the positive and motivational. These girls make my life all the merrier: Quyen, Alyssa, Sinead, Aya, ++

Lacrosse season is starting, and I'm liking it already. First game, I did pretty well. Second game, I fucked up. I guess it happens like that, oh well. But honestly, lacrosse has brought in a lot of change in my life. I got a lot closer to the girls outside of my usual social circle. Aya and Annie are such cute girls and they make me want to be good. And Sinead, I'm so glad to finally have gotten to know her and her other side.

I have noticed I am anti-guy. Thanks to everyone who's said that to me.. -___- But it's so true, I might have crushes on guys, but I won't do shit about it. Honestly, I have a legit reason but you needn't know about it.

School is going alright. Doing decent in most classes, but I can sense that I'm slowing falling. Help!

Strictly down for self-content.

Level Locked.

Art used to be something I loved. Until I stopped all drawing/painting/still-life/cartooning lessons. Big mistake! I mean, I kept on begging my parents to let me resume my lessons, to have art back in my life since middle school, but it never happened. Ever since I was little, I knew I had a talent no other kids had: a keen eye for art, and a productive drawing hand. Dammit, I wish I could revive my already-deceased talent.
Like today, I was painting my nails. I wanted to make a specific patterning. I can imagine the basics of the design but I could NOT bring it to reality. I knew exactly what I wanted, but no sketch matched up to my standards. Dammit, it's like the art is trapped inside of me. And it can only be unlocked with a key: a key I once possessed but lost.

^ the Influence.

So I think I've gotten some sense knocked into my hard-headed brain.. What a surprise, huh. No but seriously, Quyen and I were talking about how pathetic we feel when it comes to having fun. And NO, I don't mean we're lame party-people. I mean like.. the definition of "fun" for us is seriously distorted. People's perception of fun is fucked up. Smoking, drinking, blazing, partying, rolling: that's fun to them. Man, I am over this! If that is what teenagers call fun, then I'd rather be dead. What happened to weekend escapades to beach, group dinners, having clean fun? I duno man, I was talking to Daniel the other day and it's people like him we lack in our teenager world. Even Perry; I wish I was still in Jersey and could kick it with him and have clean fun. Shit.
Now, I'm not saying I don't want to have "fun." High school years, gotta live it up cuhs you only have it once. But what to do, what to do?

Plans:
Go to SGV with the girls.
Go to LACMA.
Eat at Lucille's with everrrrybody.
Have fun @ DCON 2010!
Get inked up.
Get pierced up.
Go to Auntie Yang's & Volunteer.
Talk to women and children at a battered shelter.

Lucy.<--- No future.

Honestly, this whole school business is killing me. I lack motivation and the drive to succeed in school. Temptations, distractions burden my mind, and I push all the educational work away to the side. I neglect my tests, abandon chances of getting good grades, and obliterate my own future. Seriously, I might be the only one who will get by high school putting the least amount of effort and soul into schoolwork. Which is sad.

I dare you to inspire me.

Remember me Always.

Well, being that I live in California, the most prone area for earthquakes, wildfires, and such, I will plan my funeral right here, right now. You know, I like to leave messages/secrets for people to find when I leave, fyi. Don't think I would leave earth one day, leaving nothing behind.
My funeral would be a celebration of my life, not a mourning gathering. Songs like : "Iris"- Goo Goo Dolls, "If You Want Me to"- Ginny Owens, should be played. And uhhhh I forget what else I should add. Kbye.

Weird...

Something's not right... It's not normal for someone to feel nothing. I can't exactly put my finger on it so it's hard to explain. I guess what they call me is true: I am heartless. I feel no emotion for anything anymore, but sometimes I get random splurges of anguish, regret, emptiness? God damn it, it's so weird. I feel fine though.
Just wanted to share with whoever's reading this, whoever cares.

It ended with a crash.

I'm bruised- face, arm, leg, back. It only hurts on the outside, but nothing can pierce my interior.

The rents: Who do you love?
Me: My friends.
The rents: Why?
Me: Because I feel love back.
The rents: What is love?
Me: Something I will never have for you two.

Acted too soon.

Fuck fuck fuckity fuck.
As of today, I no longer part of that "family." Well, it never really was one. But oh welllllllls. I don't give a fuckkkkkkkkkkk dude.
Some people die too late, so hurry up and go die. I shoulda killed you when I had the chance. Kthanksbyeeeee.