Paradise is your Home.

So karma came to bit me in the ass; it always does. I was offered freedom in exchange for my sacrifice of being with family. Being the cold-hearted bitch that I am, I chose to stay home alone and hopefully have some winter-break-partying without worrying about parents and the brother ratting me out.

Well I got just what I wanted, but ain't no cure in the whole damn world that would heal my pain. No remedy in the world that exists that would heal my regret. They said I would regret my decision. I was selfish and ignored that. I only thought of the present and neglected the future.
I am going to Hell for this.

Resting in Paradise.
GMa.
12/25/09.

Crime & Punishment.

God is punishing me for neglecting you, grandma. And I am sorry. It's times like these when reality really hits, and you don't give a flying fuck about anything in the whole world aside from your blood-related kin. I don't know what to do; I call this my second huge life crisis. Time and God are going against me, and beating me to to clock.

You don't really know what you got until it's (almost) gone.

What is life? Ahh, the most universal philosophical question we ask ourselves. What's the answer then? Why do we question ourselves? To seek answers to those questions, I suppose. But how can you answer those questions when no answer is definite.
How do we feel? The emotions our mind controls, how do you control them? How do you allow them to turn on/off? When does our mind allow us to feel the emotions we should feel at a specific given time?

Relating to that prelude, I need help getting those answers.
They call me a cold-hearted, heartless animal. And I totally understand where they got that generalization from. My merely hopeless come-back: I just think realistically.
But my realistic points of view failed me today. GMa been diagnosed with liver cancer. I honestly did not know how to respond to that. For one, I've always welcomed death with open arms (Holy Sonnet 10, John Donne). Honestly, if everyone ends up dying sooner or later, then why are we so scared? You wind up being with your loved ones, reunited in the spiritual worlds that supposedly exist. God wanted His angel back.
Anywho, I am confused. How should I go about feeling? Feeling those nonexistant feelings, that is. What is it should I feel? Misery, anguish, depression, hopeful? I only feel jumbled: Overdosed of feelings. I feel confused, sad, upset, empty, full; I still feel emotionless, not alive but still breathing.

I can only imagine what my dad would feel.. he has yet to find out. Lack of displaying emotion kind of runs in the family.
Though I must admit I'm not exactly religious, I ask you to pray for our already crumbling family. Please?