Paradise is your Home.

So karma came to bit me in the ass; it always does. I was offered freedom in exchange for my sacrifice of being with family. Being the cold-hearted bitch that I am, I chose to stay home alone and hopefully have some winter-break-partying without worrying about parents and the brother ratting me out.

Well I got just what I wanted, but ain't no cure in the whole damn world that would heal my pain. No remedy in the world that exists that would heal my regret. They said I would regret my decision. I was selfish and ignored that. I only thought of the present and neglected the future.
I am going to Hell for this.

Resting in Paradise.
GMa.
12/25/09.

Crime & Punishment.

God is punishing me for neglecting you, grandma. And I am sorry. It's times like these when reality really hits, and you don't give a flying fuck about anything in the whole world aside from your blood-related kin. I don't know what to do; I call this my second huge life crisis. Time and God are going against me, and beating me to to clock.

You don't really know what you got until it's (almost) gone.

What is life? Ahh, the most universal philosophical question we ask ourselves. What's the answer then? Why do we question ourselves? To seek answers to those questions, I suppose. But how can you answer those questions when no answer is definite.
How do we feel? The emotions our mind controls, how do you control them? How do you allow them to turn on/off? When does our mind allow us to feel the emotions we should feel at a specific given time?

Relating to that prelude, I need help getting those answers.
They call me a cold-hearted, heartless animal. And I totally understand where they got that generalization from. My merely hopeless come-back: I just think realistically.
But my realistic points of view failed me today. GMa been diagnosed with liver cancer. I honestly did not know how to respond to that. For one, I've always welcomed death with open arms (Holy Sonnet 10, John Donne). Honestly, if everyone ends up dying sooner or later, then why are we so scared? You wind up being with your loved ones, reunited in the spiritual worlds that supposedly exist. God wanted His angel back.
Anywho, I am confused. How should I go about feeling? Feeling those nonexistant feelings, that is. What is it should I feel? Misery, anguish, depression, hopeful? I only feel jumbled: Overdosed of feelings. I feel confused, sad, upset, empty, full; I still feel emotionless, not alive but still breathing.

I can only imagine what my dad would feel.. he has yet to find out. Lack of displaying emotion kind of runs in the family.
Though I must admit I'm not exactly religious, I ask you to pray for our already crumbling family. Please?

Iris.

My funeral songs:
Goo Goo Dolls- Iris
Ginny Owens-If You Want Me To

Nothing interesting is happening in my life these days. No fun whatsoever. I'm dry of crazy, thrilling experiences; I'm just wasting my foolish teenage years.
Ho hum, I am bored.

Lacking Inspiration.

Wrap me in a straightjacket,

Poison me,

Dispose of me.

I am absolutely going crazy. I feel so lost and so unimportant in this society; I can imagine myself drowning in the vast ocean during midnight, and noone to even notice it. I am miserable.

Judgment.

 It's as if the world existed to judge, and I was the one being judged.

You what if feels like to be looked down upon, seen as the invalid? Others sneering at you, your interests, your being? Family friends think of you as the one that's bound to get nowhere in life? No, no. Not you, you got it good. You don't have it like me; you don't know what it's like to be stepped upon and thrown off to the side. You probably got some notable talent, or a simple skill that sets you apart from the others. 

So, what do I have?

I got nothing special, nothing worth noticing. The only things people notice are my bad traits and stupid things I do. I think I'm the epitome of fail in the eyes of these motherfuckers. People refer to me whenever they want to feel better about themselves, but I, obviously, just make the standards a lot lower. I don't have any talent to display, any ability to show off, or intelligence to blow your mind away. 

True, I'm just your average no-good-influence girl who gets kicked to the gutter. But did you really have to put me down, and get yourself involved in my life, which you know no part of? Get the fuck out and try not to disturb me again.

The whole world is out to get me. Come and get me bitches, and tear me down. As if I haven't had enough of your torture.

Surprise Me.

Jay-Z & Alica Keyes- Empire State of Mind.

Just an update quickie..
School has been sorta stressful, I honestly don't know how I'm going to pull through. I lack motivation, so please. If you can, inspire me.
Family isn't a super big issue, although I must say, the term family is sort of controversial in this house. What defines a family? Oh. We wouldn't know.
Friends. Still here! You people know who you beeee.

10/23/09: School was great today. We had an extended lunch schedule (score!): shorter classes, and Clubapalooza. I love KIWIN'S. We did great at the sale! Then after school, TOTALLY unexpected. But Quyen had an "emergency," shushed me away with her to stall time, and Alyssa rallying up and preparing. As we came back, I saw a line of Asian guys lined up with a sign.. Being the person with horrible vision, I didn't recognize them, so I walked to the side. As I approached closer, thinking that they were asking someone else, I saw Josh, and realized. Hahha, yay. (= Homecoming 09, how exciting! Quyen and I have included that the theme for this year is: Unpredictable. Because seriously, who would have thought that the people who are going this year, are going with their dates?! And those who haven't been asked are left?! Man, this year's homecoming is full of surprises. And my first year with a date. And going with Quyen. Totally ridick, with a dick.