Done! And Relieved.

After tonight, after my rage mode, after my anger fit, I am done. I'm done bitching about you. There are so many con's that came with you; I was foolish. I was stupid to have let you in my life. You ain't worth it honey. You'll never get anywhere in life; you'll always be trash. Man, I have so much dirt on you. All that dirt will be used to remind me how worthless you were in my life. So after tonight, I'm done simpin' over your ass. I told myself in the shower, that if I have to cry, this will be the last time to cry over you. And guess what? I didn't shed any tears for your ass. I guess that means you're not worth any more tears. And that what I'm doing is right. I got people telling me left to right that you aren't worth it. That I could have done way better. And they're all right. Look at you. Now look at me. Think you're on my level? Hah, no you'll be a barber for life. Couldn't even graduate from community college. Hah. Oh and what's this I hear about Chlamydia? Hahaha what a loser. Man I almost feel sorry for you. But no I don't. After you slapping my hand, headbutting into my face, and bumping into me, I'm over that abuse. You threatening me saying you'll kill yourself if I leave you? Nah. You blowing up my phone 60 times+ when I don't pick up at night? You're psycho. Oh and a liar. Remember those times when you'd lie about the girls you talked to? "They messaged me first." Or "I haven't talked to them in a long time; I was just asking how they were". Okay. That's nice. Did I trip out? No. But when I shoot a guy a text? You flip. You cry. You're shedding tears over my old homeboy I had to drop cus your ass wouldn't let me be friends with guys. Or when I wouldn't tell you who I was texting? You were sure I was texting a guy, when I was texting Twitter ya dumbfuck. And I wouldn't tell you no matter what because you always had to know and I was sick of it. So you called me a bitch. Yes, that word you call your ex whom you say you hate so dearly. And you used that word to call me. So naturally, I would break up with you. After all that emotional abuse, I think I deserve to leave you. Good luck with your life; I know you won't get far in life anyway. You'll need all that luck you can get.

I just sit here. And realize, my.. How things have changed. I'm in an entirely different coast. I have new friends. I lost that one boy in my life.
It's the break-up that has made my transition rather delayed. Had I never met him, had I never got into a relationship, I would be such a stronger person. This guy ruined me. My first everything, wasted. I wish I never let him into my heart. I wish I could have shared my "first" relationship with someone else. I was with someone I could hardly trust; his past haunts me and his mistakes remind me not to trust. It's been a month since the break-up. I've been so independent that it almost scares me. I forgot this feeling of being independent after having you bring me down. I'm trying things I would not have even thought of doing because you wouldn't approve. I'm meeting people and even guys. Yes, guys! I forgot about people of the opposite gender. Since you wouldn't let me talk to any guys whatsoever. I'm finally free to meet whoever. And it's sad. Because after these ten months of a relationship, all of a sudden, I'm free. Such a drastic change. But without you, I should be a better person. I regret being with you. Smh, I won't make that mistake again.

I wonder if you know the harshness of the things you say to me when you're mad. When you say I hurt you far beyond words, and that the pain you've been through has been entirely because of me. Do you know this? Are you aware of the incompatibility we have? If I cause you so much pain and hurt, and if I treat you so wrong, then why are we together? And then when you bring up the option of me leaving you, and when I consider it, you threaten me with what may or may not happen in the future. I feel like you're psycho and even dangerous. You have anger issues. You don't even remember half the things you do when you're in an unconscious state of mind. Headbutting my eye, kicking my knee, slapping my hand, chestbumping into me.. I now have to redo my eye. You throw things like a kid, you get out your swords wanting to cut yourself, you yell and make me feel like shit. I clearly haven't been so happy with you, and how this relationship is going, so just let me go. You've been putting too much pressure on me, my life, and decisions, it's unbearable. Things were great before. And sure we hide things. You caught me shoot one text to someone you utterly dislike. And I saw those missed calls back in the day. Or those FB messages. Or that license plate keychain under my Valentine's Day poster in your closet. Which is also why I'm taking that poster back and disposing it. I don't want it collecting dust along with the other hidden treasures. I hate relationships!! I'm not ME anymore. All I feel these days are bitterness, jealousy, regret, anger, and sadness. That's the current me.

Flattery Operated.

The difference between cute, pretty, hot, and beautiful. I have been called cute, and on the rare occasion, pretty in certain pictures. But never hot and beautiful. Not being called hot doesn't bother me. But beautiful. I have not been called that yet. No one has been me in their eyes, as beautiful. No man has ever called me the most beautiful girl in the world. And it's a little sad. When a man says that, it means he sees that girl as truly beautiful, and no other beauty could top that. That's when a man is in love with her. Now, I know I am not that pretty. I don't look that good. I have so many physical flaws, and my personality doesn't always make up for that. I have terrible acne scarring, uneven eyebags, oily skin, a flubby stomach, wide feet, scars, no butt, thick calves, oh the list goes on. So I can understand why it's hard for someone to ever see me as beautiful. I get called cute, probably because of my animated facial expressions. Probably. But we all know that being called cute is a weakest form of a compliment when it comes to discussing looks. Being pretty is alright; probably really flattering. Being called hot is just a milder version of sexy, and just boosts up the ego. But beautiful. Ah, to be beautiful is a blessing. A blessing I have never experienced. I know I am nowhere near being beautiful, and even though I am not quite the romantic, I wish someone would see me as beautiful. A man who really thinks I'm the most beautiful girl in his world, would be a keeper. I don't need to fish for compliments, and I am not flattery-operated. But I have yet to meet someone who thinks I am beautiful.

I wish I could say I'm still happy with you. Out of all honesty, I think we lost "it." That spark that made us at one point in our relationship, so content with ourselves, so thankful to be together. We were pretty much inseparable; our daily agendas had to consist of time together. Sure we argued here and there, but we always made up and shoved the pile of anger, jealousy, and bitterness to the side. We got into a fight; cup our hands with another pile of that sort and push it to the side. We fight over miniscule details that irritate us so, and scoop another pile. After our typically heated tousles, we'd still get jabbed by that irksome pile, but time slowly plastered a wall, layer by layer. After some fights, more and more layers started to thicken, and now we had a sort of wall. A wall that was once paper-thin, to a brick wall with soundproof padding. Now, communication couldn't be spoken through. Our hard-headed skulls were indifferent to the hurt feelings, the hurt we were feeling. For me, communication is something I do not practice very often. But when I drink, everything comes out. Like free verse, my speech is most likely overwhelming due to the fact that I hardly speak how I feel. I know you make that effort to get through to me. You do a great job with communicating with me, however I do not reciprocate. That must be terrible: never knowing how I feel or what I'm thinking. I wish I had a slippery tongue, and let my words slide right out. But my pride or whatever it is that's holding me back, won't let me. Our current stage isn't at its finest. Even talking to you on the phone, can make me so annoyed. We're only happy when we're fucked up. When we're sober, we're stoic. I feel like our happiness faded; we're now archaic. And yes, it's primarily my fault. I give up. We were once golden. Now we're gold dust.

To remind myself.

Annoying. All talk, no action. Untrustworthy. Not worth it. Puts me in trouble all the time. Peer pressured. Immature.

Truth.

Honestly, my life took a leap downward (NOT forward), since I had a boyfriend. It should be forward, but nope. Didn't happen. I'm so over this, and what we were.

Memo to me.

Never trust a player.
Never trust a guy who's had a past.
Never trust a guy who gets girls on his jock 24/7.
Never trust a guy who seems like a "perfect person."
Never trust a guy who hates liars.
Never like a guy who badtrips you
Never like a guy who trips out about everything.
Never like a guy who lies to your face.
Never like a guy who is all talk but no action.
Never like a guy who has temper issues.
Never take back that guy who has all that.

Real talk.

I don't know if I'm lying to myself. Is what I'm feeling true? I don't want to be selfish and keep you all to me. I want you to be happy. But I don't want to be lying to you as well. Honestly, my feelings are ambiguous. I believe I like you. I believe I love you. But sometimes I feel nothing. I don't want to hurt you, but I don't want to keep you when you could be able to go out and act freely. I'm not a relationship person. Because I don't feel anything at times, does that mean I'm faking it? I'm confused. I've felt this way since November. In my mind, I'd always ask myself, "is this a fake relationship?" Maybe not on your part, but it would be on my part. Why did I meet you, things are so difficult! A relationship needs trust. But I don't trust you fully. I'm so selfish. Babe, I love you. But maybe I don't love you as much as you say you love me back? That's not fair to you.

What is me?

I find that Tumblr is a bit too publicized for my taste. I want to write about something personal, but it seems like Tumblr isn't the best option. So here I am once again.

What am I? Who is me? The question that I ask myself, whoever "myself" is. Sometimes, I catch myself not feeling anything. As if I'm not alive; I see myself doing things, but not thinking. Has my mind died? Why does my conscious stop working? I start thinking: how do I think? What makes me human? Sometimes I really believe that my mind and my being are seperate. They don't go hand in hand, and they tend to act on its own. Am I a ghost of my own body? And when I use "I" am I speaking from my mind, conscious or what? Yeah "I" speaks as the entity of a whole.. But clearly, my being and mind are not in sync with each other. So when I use "I," "I" think I'm using my mind, or am I just thinking from a soul? It's so hard to explain, but when I think about it, it makes sense. I have these moments a lot now, where I question my aliveness. It sounds pretty psycho for a seventeen year old to be saying all this nonsense, but I feel so worn. And weak. Almost as if I'm deteriorating. I'm so tired. Not because of lack of sleep. But because my mind feels weak. I feel so emotionless. My parents, boyfriend say I seem emotionless. My parents especially, believe I'm heartless. To my defense, I believe it is because I've trained myself to be thick-skinned and unmoved by any attacks to my character. Thus, thick-skinned means I have a barrier around me. "Me," would mean the soul/mind. But I've been called emotionless since I was in sixth grade (middle school).. I would beg to differ. I was bullied, harrassed and teased in sixth grade. I felt sad, lonely, defenseless, and even depressed. So how does that count as emotionless? I feel as though I have felt more emotion than I have ever felt in my teenage years, than in my youth years. I'm so used to hearing me being called emotionless, that it gets sickening. Okay, say I'm emotionless; I am what I am. I can't force open a niche on my exterior to let the inner me flow out. That barrier isn't even a barrier anymore, it's me. I've had this barrier around me for so long, that it has become a part of me. I don't believe that's a bad thing, it's just how it is. Now for the heartlessness. I get called that from the parents too. Now, a heart is supposed to give and receive love right? That's the "blood" that keeps the heart going and pumping. Maybe it's because I never have that display of affection from the rents, or maybe it's because of that barrier, but I don't know how the love feels. When have I heard a meaningful "I love you" from the parents? Probably in first grade. Oh yeah, I was six. How old am I now? Seventeen. I remember, every night in Basking Ridge, NJ, when I was still in fourth grade, I would head to bed, shut the lights off, and watch my mom close their bedroom door. But before she would shut it, I would always say, "good night, I love you!" And every time. EVERY single time, I wanted to hear the "I love you" choraled back. But I never did. She would either smile, or say "stop lagging, hurry and go sleep now" and the door would close shut. Maybe my mom had the same problem too, with saying anything affectionate. But it's fine, that doesn't bug me. What bugs me is that when she calls me heartless, or a cold-blooded animal, it makes me wonder what she thinks of herself. But honestly, being thick-skinned is sort of a pro for me. I don't get hurt. I just get cold. I say I don't hold grudges, but I can use everything negative to alter my viewpoint on someone. When I start disliking a person, I find every possible point to prove to myself why I should hate them. It's quite bad honestly. I would say it is decidedly so for my dad. I don't ever recall the good things he's done for me (which I might add, there hasn't been much, honestly), but the bad things just keep piling up in my mind. There are so many bad things, that it buries my love for him. And we all know it's illegal to dig up graves. What's been buried should never resurface.

I believe I am a shallow person. Not like, judging people by looks shallow, but more like emotionally speaking. I don't go in depth with anyone, and by "in depth" I mean fully loving someone. I am a shallow being. I can't just smash a hammer to my brick-walled barrier, and expect to let the emotion gushing out and giving handfuls of my feelings to people. I don't know what it is that prevents me from doing so. I've always thought it was fine to be a shallow person, and I still think so. But it's my "shallowness" that pushes people away. Straight up though, sometimes I don't know how to feel, and that's what scares me. Whenever I start thinking about that, I feel like I'm not alive. Like I'm not human at all. And the worst part is that whenever I see people "loving" each other, I think it's all fake. And I scoff at them.

I honestly do believe something is slightly off with my inner self, but I don't think I'm that off. Call me emotionless, heartless, animalistic all you want; I've heard it all. And it doesn't bother me. Just teach me how to feel, and let me be alive. I feel like what I'm doing is fake, and that I'm a fake person. Fake, as in not real. I don't feel real, and this reality is just time in the hourglass passing by.

The Pathway is Broken and the Signs are Unclear.

I've been hurting for a bit now. There's nothing I can do. I need to build myself around it and learn to face reality. I prepare myself for the worst, but hope for so much (a miracle would be nice). I wish I had appreciated life. I need to tell someone. But I can't. I can't spread the pain to other people. Some things really need to be kept on the downlow. Nobody will get it. Telling someone won't solve anything. I don't want people's pity. I want people to view me as a cheerful person. I want to go through this by myself.

Confused.

So today I got my AP scores back. I got a 5 in Art History (TYJH!), and a 5 in Chinese! Yipdeedo!
I was so excited that I had my victory dessert (a spoonful of Nutella ahha). But internally, I feel ruined. All I can say right now is that things are coming to an end. Everything has a conclusion in life.

Is it possible to feel relieved but also feel so panicked?

Update.

TUMBLR

Hi there, my eight followers.

I'm debating whether or not to use Tumblr or Blogspot..
I might use my Tumblr to post things of a happier mood, and my Blogspot for a more personal vibe.

Feeling Alone.

Regardless of what you think, I'll still fight for what's important to me.
I don't need your approval; you don't matter to me.

Unsatisfied.

Looking back, I see happiness and naivety. Now, I see corruption and teenagers ruining their lives.
I miss the good ol' days, I really do. I wish I had taken the opportunities to make more memories. Now I feel like I need to grasp onto my last drop of childhood innocence before it's gone.

I'm so thankful for the people around me; I've been carefully choosing who I want around me: the positive and motivational. These girls make my life all the merrier: Quyen, Alyssa, Sinead, Aya, ++

Lacrosse season is starting, and I'm liking it already. First game, I did pretty well. Second game, I fucked up. I guess it happens like that, oh well. But honestly, lacrosse has brought in a lot of change in my life. I got a lot closer to the girls outside of my usual social circle. Aya and Annie are such cute girls and they make me want to be good. And Sinead, I'm so glad to finally have gotten to know her and her other side.

I have noticed I am anti-guy. Thanks to everyone who's said that to me.. -___- But it's so true, I might have crushes on guys, but I won't do shit about it. Honestly, I have a legit reason but you needn't know about it.

School is going alright. Doing decent in most classes, but I can sense that I'm slowing falling. Help!

Strictly down for self-content.

Level Locked.

Art used to be something I loved. Until I stopped all drawing/painting/still-life/cartooning lessons. Big mistake! I mean, I kept on begging my parents to let me resume my lessons, to have art back in my life since middle school, but it never happened. Ever since I was little, I knew I had a talent no other kids had: a keen eye for art, and a productive drawing hand. Dammit, I wish I could revive my already-deceased talent.
Like today, I was painting my nails. I wanted to make a specific patterning. I can imagine the basics of the design but I could NOT bring it to reality. I knew exactly what I wanted, but no sketch matched up to my standards. Dammit, it's like the art is trapped inside of me. And it can only be unlocked with a key: a key I once possessed but lost.

^ the Influence.

So I think I've gotten some sense knocked into my hard-headed brain.. What a surprise, huh. No but seriously, Quyen and I were talking about how pathetic we feel when it comes to having fun. And NO, I don't mean we're lame party-people. I mean like.. the definition of "fun" for us is seriously distorted. People's perception of fun is fucked up. Smoking, drinking, blazing, partying, rolling: that's fun to them. Man, I am over this! If that is what teenagers call fun, then I'd rather be dead. What happened to weekend escapades to beach, group dinners, having clean fun? I duno man, I was talking to Daniel the other day and it's people like him we lack in our teenager world. Even Perry; I wish I was still in Jersey and could kick it with him and have clean fun. Shit.
Now, I'm not saying I don't want to have "fun." High school years, gotta live it up cuhs you only have it once. But what to do, what to do?

Plans:
Go to SGV with the girls.
Go to LACMA.
Eat at Lucille's with everrrrybody.
Have fun @ DCON 2010!
Get inked up.
Get pierced up.
Go to Auntie Yang's & Volunteer.
Talk to women and children at a battered shelter.

Lucy.<--- No future.

Honestly, this whole school business is killing me. I lack motivation and the drive to succeed in school. Temptations, distractions burden my mind, and I push all the educational work away to the side. I neglect my tests, abandon chances of getting good grades, and obliterate my own future. Seriously, I might be the only one who will get by high school putting the least amount of effort and soul into schoolwork. Which is sad.

I dare you to inspire me.

Remember me Always.

Well, being that I live in California, the most prone area for earthquakes, wildfires, and such, I will plan my funeral right here, right now. You know, I like to leave messages/secrets for people to find when I leave, fyi. Don't think I would leave earth one day, leaving nothing behind.
My funeral would be a celebration of my life, not a mourning gathering. Songs like : "Iris"- Goo Goo Dolls, "If You Want Me to"- Ginny Owens, should be played. And uhhhh I forget what else I should add. Kbye.

Weird...

Something's not right... It's not normal for someone to feel nothing. I can't exactly put my finger on it so it's hard to explain. I guess what they call me is true: I am heartless. I feel no emotion for anything anymore, but sometimes I get random splurges of anguish, regret, emptiness? God damn it, it's so weird. I feel fine though.
Just wanted to share with whoever's reading this, whoever cares.