To remind myself.

Annoying. All talk, no action. Untrustworthy. Not worth it. Puts me in trouble all the time. Peer pressured. Immature.

Truth.

Honestly, my life took a leap downward (NOT forward), since I had a boyfriend. It should be forward, but nope. Didn't happen. I'm so over this, and what we were.

Memo to me.

Never trust a player.
Never trust a guy who's had a past.
Never trust a guy who gets girls on his jock 24/7.
Never trust a guy who seems like a "perfect person."
Never trust a guy who hates liars.
Never like a guy who badtrips you
Never like a guy who trips out about everything.
Never like a guy who lies to your face.
Never like a guy who is all talk but no action.
Never like a guy who has temper issues.
Never take back that guy who has all that.

Real talk.

I don't know if I'm lying to myself. Is what I'm feeling true? I don't want to be selfish and keep you all to me. I want you to be happy. But I don't want to be lying to you as well. Honestly, my feelings are ambiguous. I believe I like you. I believe I love you. But sometimes I feel nothing. I don't want to hurt you, but I don't want to keep you when you could be able to go out and act freely. I'm not a relationship person. Because I don't feel anything at times, does that mean I'm faking it? I'm confused. I've felt this way since November. In my mind, I'd always ask myself, "is this a fake relationship?" Maybe not on your part, but it would be on my part. Why did I meet you, things are so difficult! A relationship needs trust. But I don't trust you fully. I'm so selfish. Babe, I love you. But maybe I don't love you as much as you say you love me back? That's not fair to you.

What is me?

I find that Tumblr is a bit too publicized for my taste. I want to write about something personal, but it seems like Tumblr isn't the best option. So here I am once again.

What am I? Who is me? The question that I ask myself, whoever "myself" is. Sometimes, I catch myself not feeling anything. As if I'm not alive; I see myself doing things, but not thinking. Has my mind died? Why does my conscious stop working? I start thinking: how do I think? What makes me human? Sometimes I really believe that my mind and my being are seperate. They don't go hand in hand, and they tend to act on its own. Am I a ghost of my own body? And when I use "I" am I speaking from my mind, conscious or what? Yeah "I" speaks as the entity of a whole.. But clearly, my being and mind are not in sync with each other. So when I use "I," "I" think I'm using my mind, or am I just thinking from a soul? It's so hard to explain, but when I think about it, it makes sense. I have these moments a lot now, where I question my aliveness. It sounds pretty psycho for a seventeen year old to be saying all this nonsense, but I feel so worn. And weak. Almost as if I'm deteriorating. I'm so tired. Not because of lack of sleep. But because my mind feels weak. I feel so emotionless. My parents, boyfriend say I seem emotionless. My parents especially, believe I'm heartless. To my defense, I believe it is because I've trained myself to be thick-skinned and unmoved by any attacks to my character. Thus, thick-skinned means I have a barrier around me. "Me," would mean the soul/mind. But I've been called emotionless since I was in sixth grade (middle school).. I would beg to differ. I was bullied, harrassed and teased in sixth grade. I felt sad, lonely, defenseless, and even depressed. So how does that count as emotionless? I feel as though I have felt more emotion than I have ever felt in my teenage years, than in my youth years. I'm so used to hearing me being called emotionless, that it gets sickening. Okay, say I'm emotionless; I am what I am. I can't force open a niche on my exterior to let the inner me flow out. That barrier isn't even a barrier anymore, it's me. I've had this barrier around me for so long, that it has become a part of me. I don't believe that's a bad thing, it's just how it is. Now for the heartlessness. I get called that from the parents too. Now, a heart is supposed to give and receive love right? That's the "blood" that keeps the heart going and pumping. Maybe it's because I never have that display of affection from the rents, or maybe it's because of that barrier, but I don't know how the love feels. When have I heard a meaningful "I love you" from the parents? Probably in first grade. Oh yeah, I was six. How old am I now? Seventeen. I remember, every night in Basking Ridge, NJ, when I was still in fourth grade, I would head to bed, shut the lights off, and watch my mom close their bedroom door. But before she would shut it, I would always say, "good night, I love you!" And every time. EVERY single time, I wanted to hear the "I love you" choraled back. But I never did. She would either smile, or say "stop lagging, hurry and go sleep now" and the door would close shut. Maybe my mom had the same problem too, with saying anything affectionate. But it's fine, that doesn't bug me. What bugs me is that when she calls me heartless, or a cold-blooded animal, it makes me wonder what she thinks of herself. But honestly, being thick-skinned is sort of a pro for me. I don't get hurt. I just get cold. I say I don't hold grudges, but I can use everything negative to alter my viewpoint on someone. When I start disliking a person, I find every possible point to prove to myself why I should hate them. It's quite bad honestly. I would say it is decidedly so for my dad. I don't ever recall the good things he's done for me (which I might add, there hasn't been much, honestly), but the bad things just keep piling up in my mind. There are so many bad things, that it buries my love for him. And we all know it's illegal to dig up graves. What's been buried should never resurface.

I believe I am a shallow person. Not like, judging people by looks shallow, but more like emotionally speaking. I don't go in depth with anyone, and by "in depth" I mean fully loving someone. I am a shallow being. I can't just smash a hammer to my brick-walled barrier, and expect to let the emotion gushing out and giving handfuls of my feelings to people. I don't know what it is that prevents me from doing so. I've always thought it was fine to be a shallow person, and I still think so. But it's my "shallowness" that pushes people away. Straight up though, sometimes I don't know how to feel, and that's what scares me. Whenever I start thinking about that, I feel like I'm not alive. Like I'm not human at all. And the worst part is that whenever I see people "loving" each other, I think it's all fake. And I scoff at them.

I honestly do believe something is slightly off with my inner self, but I don't think I'm that off. Call me emotionless, heartless, animalistic all you want; I've heard it all. And it doesn't bother me. Just teach me how to feel, and let me be alive. I feel like what I'm doing is fake, and that I'm a fake person. Fake, as in not real. I don't feel real, and this reality is just time in the hourglass passing by.

The Pathway is Broken and the Signs are Unclear.

I've been hurting for a bit now. There's nothing I can do. I need to build myself around it and learn to face reality. I prepare myself for the worst, but hope for so much (a miracle would be nice). I wish I had appreciated life. I need to tell someone. But I can't. I can't spread the pain to other people. Some things really need to be kept on the downlow. Nobody will get it. Telling someone won't solve anything. I don't want people's pity. I want people to view me as a cheerful person. I want to go through this by myself.

Confused.

So today I got my AP scores back. I got a 5 in Art History (TYJH!), and a 5 in Chinese! Yipdeedo!
I was so excited that I had my victory dessert (a spoonful of Nutella ahha). But internally, I feel ruined. All I can say right now is that things are coming to an end. Everything has a conclusion in life.

Is it possible to feel relieved but also feel so panicked?