The Pathway is Broken and the Signs are Unclear.

I've been hurting for a bit now. There's nothing I can do. I need to build myself around it and learn to face reality. I prepare myself for the worst, but hope for so much (a miracle would be nice). I wish I had appreciated life. I need to tell someone. But I can't. I can't spread the pain to other people. Some things really need to be kept on the downlow. Nobody will get it. Telling someone won't solve anything. I don't want people's pity. I want people to view me as a cheerful person. I want to go through this by myself.

Confused.

So today I got my AP scores back. I got a 5 in Art History (TYJH!), and a 5 in Chinese! Yipdeedo!
I was so excited that I had my victory dessert (a spoonful of Nutella ahha). But internally, I feel ruined. All I can say right now is that things are coming to an end. Everything has a conclusion in life.

Is it possible to feel relieved but also feel so panicked?

Update.

TUMBLR

Hi there, my eight followers.

I'm debating whether or not to use Tumblr or Blogspot..
I might use my Tumblr to post things of a happier mood, and my Blogspot for a more personal vibe.

Feeling Alone.

Regardless of what you think, I'll still fight for what's important to me.
I don't need your approval; you don't matter to me.

Unsatisfied.

Looking back, I see happiness and naivety. Now, I see corruption and teenagers ruining their lives.
I miss the good ol' days, I really do. I wish I had taken the opportunities to make more memories. Now I feel like I need to grasp onto my last drop of childhood innocence before it's gone.

I'm so thankful for the people around me; I've been carefully choosing who I want around me: the positive and motivational. These girls make my life all the merrier: Quyen, Alyssa, Sinead, Aya, ++

Lacrosse season is starting, and I'm liking it already. First game, I did pretty well. Second game, I fucked up. I guess it happens like that, oh well. But honestly, lacrosse has brought in a lot of change in my life. I got a lot closer to the girls outside of my usual social circle. Aya and Annie are such cute girls and they make me want to be good. And Sinead, I'm so glad to finally have gotten to know her and her other side.

I have noticed I am anti-guy. Thanks to everyone who's said that to me.. -___- But it's so true, I might have crushes on guys, but I won't do shit about it. Honestly, I have a legit reason but you needn't know about it.

School is going alright. Doing decent in most classes, but I can sense that I'm slowing falling. Help!

Strictly down for self-content.

Level Locked.

Art used to be something I loved. Until I stopped all drawing/painting/still-life/cartooning lessons. Big mistake! I mean, I kept on begging my parents to let me resume my lessons, to have art back in my life since middle school, but it never happened. Ever since I was little, I knew I had a talent no other kids had: a keen eye for art, and a productive drawing hand. Dammit, I wish I could revive my already-deceased talent.
Like today, I was painting my nails. I wanted to make a specific patterning. I can imagine the basics of the design but I could NOT bring it to reality. I knew exactly what I wanted, but no sketch matched up to my standards. Dammit, it's like the art is trapped inside of me. And it can only be unlocked with a key: a key I once possessed but lost.

^ the Influence.

So I think I've gotten some sense knocked into my hard-headed brain.. What a surprise, huh. No but seriously, Quyen and I were talking about how pathetic we feel when it comes to having fun. And NO, I don't mean we're lame party-people. I mean like.. the definition of "fun" for us is seriously distorted. People's perception of fun is fucked up. Smoking, drinking, blazing, partying, rolling: that's fun to them. Man, I am over this! If that is what teenagers call fun, then I'd rather be dead. What happened to weekend escapades to beach, group dinners, having clean fun? I duno man, I was talking to Daniel the other day and it's people like him we lack in our teenager world. Even Perry; I wish I was still in Jersey and could kick it with him and have clean fun. Shit.
Now, I'm not saying I don't want to have "fun." High school years, gotta live it up cuhs you only have it once. But what to do, what to do?

Plans:
Go to SGV with the girls.
Go to LACMA.
Eat at Lucille's with everrrrybody.
Have fun @ DCON 2010!
Get inked up.
Get pierced up.
Go to Auntie Yang's & Volunteer.
Talk to women and children at a battered shelter.